My Life as a Calzone

Have you ever had a dream come true, only to see it transformed into something you never imagined? Everything falls into place, you are thinking to yourself "This is it!"… and then it begins to change dramatically? Please tell me I am not the only one!

Every year around Christmas, our family has a Pizza Night. However, this isn't your typical pizza night…by calling the local pizza place and having a couple large deluxe pizzas delivered to your door. No, we go ALL out!

My mother and grandmother owned a pizza and sub shop when I was a little girl. So, when we have our pizza nights, I break out the secret family recipe for dough and let the creations begin: Sausage, Bacon, Olives, Peppers, Canadian Bacon, Fresh Pineapple, Green Onions,  Red Onions, Mushrooms, Salami, Pepperoni, Green Chili, Pesto, Feta, Tomatoes and of course, mounds of Mozzarella Cheese!! That's what we call DELUXE!

Last Monday, we celebrated Christmas with the ladies in our Small Group. Everyone starts with their own crust and then creates the pizza of their dreams. We do it all individually so that each person will get the toppings to their liking.  The results are divine! (...with the only potential exception being that of my daughters' cheese-only pizzas. I'll never understand why they only pick cheese, with all those options.)

As usual, I was the last to take my turn at making a masterpiece. I rolled out my dough beautifully, perfectly round. I use pesto as my sauce because I am allergic to tomatoes (I know, saddness). Then I proceeded with the perfect layers of Salami, Pepperoni, Red Onions, Black Olives, Mushrooms, Green Onions, Feta Cheese, Bacon, Green Chili and topped it all off with a hefty helping of Cheese. It was GORGEOUS!!!

I was so excited…finally ready to go into the oven…or was it??? Wait…something's not right…I forgot…DANG IT!!! I never transferred my dough to my pizza pan. I had created this homage to goodness on my cloth rolling mat. There was NO way it was going to transfer to the pan without destroying the creation in the process. I was crushed…but what do you do??

Re-route to a Calzone.

Yep, after all that, I folded the thing over, turned in the edges and for the first time in Pizza Night history, I made a calzone. After 20 minutes in the oven, it came out golden brown and ready for consumption. It wasn't what I hoped for. It wasn't what I expected...but it was yummy nonetheless.

This photo is from Robin Stone's blog Add a Pinch …
I was too hungry to think to stop and take a picture of my
calzone creation. I'll try to remember next time. :)

And, as one of the Small Group ladies playfully pointed out…my calzone dilemma was a picture of my life in the past couple years. One dream after another, laid out before us, only to have it re-route into something entirely different and unexpected. We have experienced the thrill of seeing God line up impossible circumstances, creating what we had envisioned…only to take a dramatic turn allowing the end result to be nothing we ever anticipated.

The emotions, at first truthfully, are that of heartache, confusion and disappointment, followed by a breath of "now what!" Then, with the added ingredient of TIME, God gently and quietly lays out the new plan. Peace eventually releases us to the point of joy in the acceptance of final outcome. And we can grab our fork and savor a new creation.

Not for the Squeamish

There will be blood. There will be guts. There will be consumption of animals of all sorts.

If you can't handle the first line…you may not want to read further. In fact, I specifically created a label for these types of posts and for my friends that don't want to know or don't want to hear about it - just avoid this label!

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Yesterday was our second time butchering rabbits. I wanted to share with you my very first impressions about this new process in our lives. I thought of the perfect title and all day long I was actually looking forward to sit down and discuss what could possibly be going on in my mind to attempt such a crazy thing as raise your own rabbits in the backyard to end up on the family's dinner plates.

At 2am this morning my direction changed!!! "Not for the Squeamish" is still true, however, now I am only referring to the sheer resolve in my heart that this is the path we want to take.

We started the process after church…though next time we'll be sure to go to 1st service (a foreshadowing of my 2am direction change). We butchered a total of 10 rabbits. This time went much faster than the first attempt, but that was to be expected, we are just learning. The first time was all about figuring out a process that works for us. Neal and Caleb would do the kill with a contraption I built meant to break their necks instantly, and then they give it to me for bleeding out, skinning and eviscerating - a fancy word for cleaning out the guts…see, I told you there'd be blood and guts. I do look forward to sharing more details about this experience, but I have a different point to make today. It'll have to wait.

We made it through all 10 rabbits before dinner at 7:30 and then at around 9:00 I began the work of final cleaning and piecing out. Again saving the details for other post. Let's sum it up with, "It took me a while!" At 2am I finally finished with the meat, but I still had to fully wash down/sanitize my kitchen - another hour - not to mention I had bloody pelts to wash. I guess that's what I get for promising my 12 year old boy that I would at least try. Oh, and did I mention that I learned I should have done the pelts before I sanitized my kitchen - add 20 more minutes!

I am sure that somewhere down the line I will write encouraging posts saying how easy and rewarding this process is, etc. But crawling into bed at 4:30 only to get up at 5:45 to take Caleb to Jazz Band Rehearsal … yeah, this is NOT for the squeamish!!!

Going back to bed now...

Ready When You Are

I watched Soul Surfer again last night. (If you haven't seen it yet, what are you waiting for???)

I saw something I hadn't seen before … in the part where Bethany makes the decision to surf again. She had tried to surf in the one competition but after having a hard time with maneuvering her board, she gave up. She wasn't ready - physically or emotionally. But after her trip to Thailand and allowing herself time to grieve and get a different perspective on the tragedy, she returned and went to her dad saying, "I need your help."

With a huge smile on his face, her dad reaches up and grabs the modified board that would answer her struggles. He had already worked on it. He had it ready for when she was ready. He truly was her biggest fan and wanted to see her compete and do this thing that brought her so much joy. At first he struggled to try to push her to go back into the water, but ended up finding wisdom in giving her time and space she needed to sort through the emotions and decision on her own.

However, he did not just sit idly by waiting for her process. He had hope even when she didn't have hope. He had an answer even when she was flooded with confusion. It was there the whole time…waiting for her. Seeing the depth of joy when she finally came back to him ready to move forward again, overwhelmed me.

Bethany had found her passion in life. She tapped into something that brought her great happiness and satisfaction. And in a moment of time it was taken away.

I can relate to her pain. I loved to write. There were times sitting down to my computer that I would be crying my eyes out while the keys pecked along. What would move my readers, moved me. Other times consisted of laughter, doubt, anger, silliness…the full range. I was always amazed how the tiniest of thoughts could grow and turn into something with great color and life on a simple page.

My tragedy struck just months before my dream of publishing a book would begin. My first project was going to be a joint effort for my father and I, who also had always wanted to publish a book. We had decided to do it together and we were preparing for our first pitch to a handful of publishing companies.

On June 2, 2007 I received the most life altering phone call of my life. Dad was dead. He had collapsed at work and was gone instantly.

As an answer to my grief and shock, I pushed forward with the project. I kept going because I knew that was what Dad would want me to do. And after all, it was also my Heavenly Father's project as well. I couldn't let Him down either. The end result was truly a miracle! In fact, that was even the title … The Miracle of You … though underneath the success of publishing my first book was a sadness and heartache I couldn't resolve.

I made attempts at regaining the fire, the glow that would come after a session at the keyboard, but to no avail. I thought my problem was that I needed a regimen or a cause, it was never just for the pure joy anymore. My publishers wanted another book, but I didn't have the drive in me any more. I was exhausted and spent.

Somehow over the last year, the tide began to change. I actually had the thought of starting this blog several months back, but wasn't ready. And then last night when I saw Bethany go to her Dad and ask for help, God showed me that He had my board ready. He's been working on it this whole time. I didn't have to go down the road of guilt thinking too much time has passed or that it would never be the same. I just needed to go for it.

And here we are … a new start. No promises, no guarantees, but a start nonetheless. I plan to write. Some days are going to be good and I know some will be bad, but I want to try again.

Our family is undertaking one of the greatest adventures of our lives and I've wanted to share it with you, but just haven't felt ready. Today I feel ready, only because I know He was ready all along…just waiting for me to say, "Dad, I need your help."